When I originally began this blog, it was suppose to be about the journey of our little man's cleft and my struggles as a mom overcoming the obstacles. I wanted this blog to help another mom in the same situation just as other blogs and websites have helped me. I definitely do not have any qualms over sharing my faith but I didn't really see this being a "faith blog". However, someone is obviously using our situation for His purpose and I'm going to step back and let that happen. Last week our post reached over 602 people! Yes, 602 individuals. Make no mistake, it wasn't 602 page views, there were 602 UNIQUE people that read that one post. I originally thought, "Great! That's 602 people that I don't have to explain our son's cleft palate and lip diagnoses to." Then this morning, I realized that the profound way Jesus is working in our lives was revealed to 602 people! What a way to be used by Him!

This last week we had so many people reach out to us. There are many of you covering us in prayer through this journey and for that, I can never be greatful enough. I don't want anyone to think or feel they shouldn't reach out because I let my raw emotions show just how vulnerable I am to comments by individuals. Look, I can't control what people say... The only thing I can control is how I respond to that. I'm in no way holding those people accountable.

Some things have been said in the past and recently that hurt, not because of the person being ignorant but because my heart wasn't in the right place. This morning I had the most amazing opportunity to get my heart where God wants it to be... In his hands faithfully trusting him to take my burdens and make them His own. I know I am going to need this reminder from Him more than once throughout this journey but I am thankful that He loves me so much that He is willing to keep letting me see He's got this. We aren't alone.

I have been carrying this burden of this diagnoses and thinking I had thrown it out to Jesus, proclaiming it His burden. But I was mistaken. I let much of the "planning" and "educating myself" overcome me. I have read and researched everything on breastfeeding a cleft palate baby, formed a plan on feeding him and two backup

plans just in case, changed doctors to care for me during my pregnancy, changed delivery hospitals, found alternative arm restraints for our sons first surgery, found a bassinet that will prop him up so he doesn't choke on his spit all in the matter of 2 days. Let's just say I was exhausted by the end of that.

I really believed I was doing what was best, informing myself and getting ready for his arrival in oh... 16 weeks. Not that I won't have anything better to do with my time... What I really was doing was worrying and causing anxiety. Once again, God had to throw something in my way to let me see what I was doing to myself. We were asked to go to a cross at church and write down a burden if we had one and leave it there, at the cross for Jesus to take care of. Oh dear tears. My paper said, "Our baby's health." My insides shook and tears fell hard. No longer am I carrying this. It's His. Jesus, you deal with this and you show us where we need to be and what we need to do to get our little guy through this.

We have an appointment with Riley Hospital For Children's Cleft Team on October 28th. That's our next step and that's the only step I am taking. I'm not ashamed of what I have done so far but relieved I don't have to worry anymore. Naturally, I research and naturally I plan ahead. Some of my natural instincts are just defense mechanisms to keep worry and anxiety at bay. If I have a plan, I don't have to worry what will happen... if I research then I have the knowledge and to me, knowledge is power. All of these things can be healthy but when you take it on and lose sleep to the research and planning you are now forming an unhealthy habit. I need less stress, anxiety and fear in my life right now... I'm pregnant! That's exactly what I intend to do! :) Are there things that cause you anxiety in your life? Money, relationships, sickness, weight control issues, infertility? Throw the burdens at Jesus! He will gladly take them and relieve you of the fear and anxiety!!

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julie hankins
9/29/2013 09:15:30 pm

Well said my dear, and I am proud of you for listening to the holy spirit! I am so glad we shared that moment together! :-)Now you can start enjoying your pregnancy and bask in the miracle thats happening inside of you!

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10/1/2013 03:26:55 am

I am so happy to read this today. Since I have been your friend on Facebook, I have seen your posts about all the researching and more researching, and it left me feeling a little worried. Of course researching is good and I am glad you are finding the best way(s) to feed your little guy when it comes, but as a mom who has been in your position, I know the HUGE amount of worry we pregnant cleft moms feel. There comes a point when you realize you have to take a deep breath and just let it be. It sounds like you have reached that point in acceptance where you can relax a bit and know that your precious baby is going to be just fine, because God is watching over him and you-his amazing mama- are going to do everything in your power to help him succeed in this life. :)

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